An emotional void, cold-hearted, ice queen, hollow, unfeeling.

All of these terms have been used to describe me at some point or another, most more than once, and usually in a joking way. A lot of the time I make the comments about myself, mostly in an I’m-being-super-self-aware-and-self-deprecating kind of way.

But I’m not a sociopath. Promise. At least everything I read on Wikipedia and WebMD tells me I’m not.

In fact, I’m going to let you all in on a secret.

I feel a lot.

Just prepping you that things may get a little personal and a little real…also you should know that just typing that phrase made me all sorts of squirmy…I don’t like to share personal “stuff” especially with people.

To reiterate, I feel a lot. In fact I’m sure my brothers and parents could tell you that there was a stretch in my life where I cried a lot (usually only at home), those years were called adolescence which is also synonymous with puberty. Anything my brothers did could set me off, but after some self-evaluation over the years, I’ve learned that it wasn’t always something they were doing that made me upset, they just tipped the scale. From about 4th grade through 6th grade I was bullied. Which is so interesting to admit, because I had friends, a lot of friends, there were a couple of girls that had moved into my school that for some reason just didn’t like me. And they were cruel in a way only young girls seem to be, and to this day I don’t know what made them want to tear me down, but they did. Some days the tears came due from confusion and hurt, most days the tears came from frustration and anger that none of my friends seemed to care enough to stand up for me, and would spend their free time with the girls that made me miserable.

I got through it, I’m not entirely sure how, just a part of who I am fortunately. At some point down the road I became much more wary of how much I put myself out there emotionally. Open book Kelly became more cynical and more of a closed book with a 10 foot concrete wall around it.

There are cracks in the wall…for example this blog.

I’m not an emotional void…the emotions are just contained…in a vault…that very few people have the combination to.

I don’t bottle up my emotions. No really I don’t! I just try to take a step back and examine my feelings before putting them out into the world. I’m not always perfect, sometimes things get away from me, especially anger and frustration, but I’m much better than I used to be.

So, when I’m happy, I’m happy, when I’m angry, I’m angry. When I’m frustrated (a cousin of anger) I’m frustrated. I’m just guarded. Especially when it comes to the lovey-dovey emotions.

You’re never going to see me standing on a coffee cart proclaiming my love for a person (sorry Seth Cohen). It doesn’t mean I don’t love, I do, I love fiercely but quietly. I’m an incredibly empathetic person, when my friends and family are happy, I’m happy, when they’re hurting I hurt for them.

I’m not overt or public with my emotions, public proclamations of love and public displays of affection make me uncomfortable. (Which may be an understatement).

Which my friends think is hilarious and enjoy purposely making me uncomfortable. *cough* Tiffany and Jake Harrison *cough*

I don’t mind the jokes, I’ve got a tough skin, thanks partly to my 4th-6th grade years and in large part to my family and friends, whom I love more than I am able to aptly express, here or otherwise.

Alright, alright, alright, that enough, I have started to make myself nauseous.